Life in the sun is simply better. Life with Pepsi Max for 16 baht and every flavour of chips you couldn't even have imagined is better. Life with the only task for today is writing and finding the cheapest streetfood is better. The tourist sites can wait. We have been staying by the pool, charging our batteries after six very hectic Singapore days. The weather is more than fine here, it's much less humid than Singapore and the sun warms you, it doesn't instantly make you sweaty.
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For those of you who havn't been to Thailand, I just have to tell you this:
7Eleven here is an experience.
Everything is a quarter of what you pay in Europe and they have to most strangest flavours and combinations you've seen before. Seaweed chips? Matcha Kitkat? Toast stuffed with... hot dogs? You'll find these and their twisted cousins here!
They sell small packages of sushi for basically nothing and we've gorged on those as soon as we've gotten opportunity. Salapao is also close, close to our hearts. Steambuns filled with minced anything, known as bánh bao in Vietnam... Oh, love, you taste like fluffy bread.
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- Psst! -
((You know the pictures are clickable? Then they go BIGGER!))
When did I become a person who takes selfies as soon as the lighting is better than in the bathroom? Oh well. Happy new year from my face.
Our original plans when going to Siam Square was going bowling (160 baht for an hour! Like! 1/5 of what we pay in Sweden!), but halfway through our prebowling snack (at Starbucks, meaning: iced soy latte with an extra shot), Julia got acid reflux (runs in the family, you know my dances with Omeprazol by now...) and we decided on going back to my appartment.
Julias symptoms got even worse so she had to go by MRT home, but I took to walking instead (and saved 16 baht, wooohooa).
The thing is, since I encountered with Jennifer in Colombo, I haven't really been alone-alone. I haven't walked further than a couple of hundred meters without someone on my side, and if Jennifer or Julia was ever not around in the hotel area, I always had internet and used the time in an empty room to skype home.
Now, I had a 20 minute walk with no other distractions than blinking lights and honks and the thoughts of where I am and where I'm going started spinning like a merry-go-round in my head.
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I recorded myself, all my thoughts, to see if they made sense if I put them into words, and here under I've transcripted it.
Be gentle if you decide on reading further now.
"So today I've been away for three weeks... or more. Time has passed by so fast. Sometimes it feels like I've been a way for.. two days, three days, but I'm already done with Sri Lanka and I'm already done with Singapore and tomorrow, I'll be done with Bangkok as well, for this time.
As i'm talking now I'm walking down from Silom street to Lumpoini park. It's not a long walk but it's the first time in a week I've been completely by myself, even if it's just for these 20 minutes.
Of course thoughts of Jonathan pop up in my head, of course they do. Whenever I'm alone. God, I feel like crying right now but at the same time I am so freaking freaking freaking... greatful for being here, instead of being at home. I'm so darn happy I did this, I feel like I'm growing so much.
I'm still very very mad at him. I'm so sad I've been tricked that way. I'm sad he couldnt be honest with me about not wanting the same things, that is the hardest part.
I have a... I have these scenes in my head when i kill him, I shoot him... I smash his skull to the ground...
But not one single part of me wants him back, and I'm starting to see that I have my dignity left. I'm still a complete person even though he did these horrible things to me. That doesnt define me, that defines him. Being able to come back from that... That is what defines me.
I am very tired and very sad but I'm... I dont feel hopeless. At all.
I feel greatful for being born, and raised, to the person I am and to be able to get through this. And I'm.. I'm proud of myself.
I still feel like shit at times but there are times, more often nowadays, that I feel incredibly proud, for being here, for taking the leap, for having developed the relationships I have with the people I love now and for being open to loving again,
I really do hope he dies. I really do. People like him deserves nothing less. Worst of all, he never really gave me an explanation. Just lame excuses, just lies. And it took me some time to understand that, to see that.
The anger is still hauling inside me, but it grows weaker and weaker with time. I hope one day soon he'll be air to me... No, actually, I hope I'm no longer even refer to him when estimating how I feel. I hope I move on and I become happy again. The end.
Today, gazing in the sun like a careless streetcat, collecting hours of UV-lighting like they were diamonds, I feel closer than ever to that goal.
So now I'm in a buzzling street in Bangkok and I feel incredibly incredibly sad but also... Incredibly hopeful. My mom always talks about The Proccess. I think I'm starting to see the all of the clichées come to life - there is a light, somewhere, in the end of that long, despicable tunnel."
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"I remember, it was a night before one of our countless after works.
It was this autumn, the breakup still so close it felt like cutting flesh when thinking about it.
But this night ,I did not think about it.
I called Him; the guy with the long talks, the arms around me on the bars.
'Should I wear lipstick tonight?' I asked as I was getting ready.
'Lipstick? Yeah, sure, you look great in that...', he answered, sounding a bit puzzled.
'I mean.. it's going to end up on your face anyway', I said, smilingly.
It did."
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WITH ALL THE LOVE
I CAN POSSIBLY
SEND TO YOU
FELICIA
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