DAYS OF CRYING, STILL

I'm currently in a state of nothingness.
I wake up. I eat breakfast. I lay by the pool until the building ahead starts spreading long monsters of shadows over the mosaic tiles framing the water.

I go back to the room. I shower. I scrub, every bit of my body, as I see it darken and darken for each day.

I run my finger through my hair. I really do need a haircut. Moana-style by all means, but it just doesn't seem to happen for me, that wavy laidbackness. The split ends are making their way up, further and further towards my scalp.
And then I remember nobody in the world cares about that.

I put on clothes, make the hard decision if I'm going to wear a bra today or not. It's usually not.
As said, nobody will care.

Then I hit the town, or, just leave the hotel for a bit. Eat fruit by the road, hop in on 7Eleven for a bahn bao and a Pepsi.
We've made it a thing of trying Chiang Mai's most unique cafées according to this list, and although we will not make every, we've gotten a lot of good suggestions.

So then we walk on the busy streets, smile to the eager vendors, crossing the road like there was no fear of being hit by one of the many runaway cars.

When we find a calm spot, I drink ice latte. Sink in to the world inside my phone for an hour, where everything is familiar. Thailand is starting to feel familiar too. Every day is less and less time on Instagram and Facebook, but still, the closer-ness to home is soothing.

AND THEN, EVENTUALLY,

I FIND MYSELF ON THE PORCH,

CRYING.

I BURY MY HEAD IN MY KNEES 

AND CRY MY HEART OUT. 

---

I think about familiar hugs and how far life has spinned off since last time here. I think about still-born plans rotting in the horizon of my sight. I think about hearts and how it physically feels like they break, they smash and spread thousand pieces like splinters of glass in my chest.

Mostly, I think about lacks, and wants. I've build a nest in the Swedish word "saknad" - the longing, the hole after something. Usually, English has a better word for everything, but this time, longing does not come close to describe the feeling of Saknad I'm feeling.

Saknad. 

Landing in my chest 
like a stone sinks to the bottom of the sea. 

Everything I wish I had. 
Everything I'm no longer having. 

And how the fact that I have so, so much

is not enough when I miss the things I really really want.

---

So I got a massage today. I thought about kisses on the neck and lingering hands as the lovely woman kneeded my shoulder's until I almost cried.
Maybe I really, really, really needed to cry.

---

I'm sick and tired of social media life. I love it, editing, photographing, the possibility to reach out to soo many people (runner-up for reader-record this last post, thank you so much guys!), but it's also so... filtered. People with everysmiling Instagrams make it seem like there is no stress, no worries, no insecurities, as long as you paint the perfect picture.

HERE, I AM SCARED, 
AT TIMES, AT TIMES ALL THE TIME.

THERE IS NOT A LACK OF FEAR JUST BECAUSE THERE IS A GRAND-ER NEED TO EXPLORE.

I'm in the final part of trip-planning and I have no idea on what to do.
Shall I go back to Thailand in the end of April, after me and Claudia have made Vietnam unsecure for 6 weeks? It seems like the best ideas in many aspects but am I going to be able to handle it on my own, if I can't flirt Mona to come and join me?
Am I going to enjoy it by my own or will it just be 14 days like this, crying my face swollen or wanting to hide in nearest corner?

Preferably one with WiFi, of course. 

At the same time, I am crazy greatful for having this opportunity. Every day I am reminded that not everyone has this kind of luxury, to go abroad and pause everyday-life like this. I love being around so much colour, so many things to eternalize, to add to my overflowing feed of memories and laughs and beauty that is the world seen from new eyes.

---

So here you get all of me.
All of the somewhat twisted, happy, over the top-parts, but even the bad ones. Maybe just as a reminder that... I don't know, it's OK to be sad?

Because sadness passes and as far as everybody have told me, so does heartbreak.

I'm going to leave you with this plate of Som Tam, one of Jennifer's favorite Thai dishes, and as from today, mine too.

40 baht (10 SEK / 1 USD) on the street. Cheap food does make you feel better about life.

---

WITH ALL THE LOVE,

ALL THE KISSES,

ALL THE HUGS

I CAN POSSIBLY SEND TO

ANYONE KIND ENOUGH TO READ THIS

FELICIA

---

All pictures in this post 

where you can see my face 

are shot by 

@jenniferemmamansur. 

Check out her food Instagram 

@jenniskitchenstories 

as well!